en français, s'il vous plaît.

i've had this problem for some time now, ever since french class back in high school. in my head, i constantly waiver between french and english, even though i'm no where near fluent. i'll think a sentence in french, and if i don't know the particular word i'll substitute the english.



montmartre, paris. juin 2007



gradually the problem has gotten worse, where i speak without thinking this hodgepodge of franglish, and now throw in a japanese word as well. i just can't keep it straight.


quand je fais du vélo, je pense seul en français when i'm on my bicycle, i only think in french. like a stream of conciousness narratif. and i smell d'amatos' bakery down the street and i get butterflies in my stomach, thinking back to two summers ago.


too bad no one understands my ridiculous outbursts. no one knows what i mean when i casually reply rien de spécial or c'est là-bas. it's annoying, i'm well aware, but at the same time, involuntary.

i really don't know how to stop it. i have no one to speak with, save this quiet man who works downstairs in the office at work, mais j'ai peur à parler avec lui. when i try to speak, i get all nervous and can only ask him how his day has been, and to have a good night, though my head is swarming with conversation.

les baux-de-provence, 2007

i've decided that my only option is to go back. i've decided that after my last year of college, i'm going to.

puis, je peux faire du vélo sur la côte d'Arcachon et penser en français tout que je veux.

in archachon, 2007. that's me with the long black hair and blue top, sitting next to my french teacher's gorgeous blonde nephew. that's another story for another day.



p.s., i took the above two pictures. this one was taken by kristin ruhnke.

tumblr.

made the move. i'm still keeping this, to make long-winded, profound realizations on, but my short thoughts are re-directed to tumblr.

if you really can't get enough, you can listen to my tweets, too.
maybe that's getting too personal.

may street

i am ashamed that summer has commenced and i haven't returned to the blogosphere for an update. not like i am ridiculously busy, moreover, i am lazy, and the discovery of this wonderful little thing known as "stumbleupon" has changed my life. it digs up treasures from the crevices of the world wide web and entrances you for hours. back to real life:

so i have since moved to the quiet little May Street for the summer. It's great; I share a humble flat with a few friends & fellow art students from Dallas. Our first and foremost summer plans involve a list of themed parties that we intend to demolish in the next few months. We threw the cocktail party and it was a success or a mistake, depending on the quantity of cocktails you had divided by the volume of hors d'oeurves consumed. right now, our "South of the Border" fiesta is in the works, soon to be followed by a Communist Party, where i will pull out my Red Army cossack hat, Comrade.

Anyhow, the summer is (hopefully) going to be the best yet, at least better than if i was in dallas. Not to say that i miss all my dallasites, but i would feel like i was traveling back in time, only all my sentiments would be false and only made of memories. i have been getting friend-sick, getting stomach aches when i think of all the fun i had last summer, and how, no matter how much it makes me ache, i'll never be in that position again. it saddens me to think that i didn't stop and appreciate it at the time, that i didnt realize that i would never have these experiences again, or at least not the same ones. now i'm trying desperately to make this summer exponentially better, to forget those times. basically, fooling myself. but i keep getting whiffs of summer air that takes me back to cool dallas nights with my dear friends. it's a part of my life that i need to learn to get over. now i'm listening to "Lassu" by A Hawk and a Hacksaw and its making my heart ache with its whiny gypsy violin. so this post must draw to a close.

in closing. i've almost finished Everything is Illuminated, and I'm getting to that sad part where you dont want to finish the book and be done with it because you've grown to love it so much. someone give me a good book recommendation?

p.s. later about the new bicycle. promise.

so sorry

i regret that i neglect this dear ol' blog that no one reads. come this summer (as i keep saying) i promise to fill you with tales of chicago bizarro, so get ready. at the moment i have summoned all of my creative energy for my final projects and am completely idea-d out. i have fragments, but no energy to make they remotely coherent. 

I am filling boxes to New Order and wondering where the neverending crap is coming from. is there some mystic well in the corner of my closet that just spews hairties, receipts, and pennies? i am in awe. 

The recent passing of my beloved iPod has left me trying to uncover thousands of long-lost tracks that i'm finding i probably only listen to 60% of (keep the Mae, ditch the Story of the Year). Trying to decide who makes the cut has made me nostalgic (remember Thursday? keepers!). The first My Chemical Romance album takes me back to seventh grade rebellion, and the Boys Like Girls (embarrassing!) reminds me of summers on apartment rooftops. They get to stay for sentimental reasons. I wonder what songs will remind me of this approaching summer in a few years? Animal Collective's "My Girls", anyone?

Hopefully this time next week i will be kicking my barefeet off of the back porch of my new apartment. housewarming anyone?

childcraft

so i came back from dallas praying that it would finally be out of the forties.

it's not.

there's snow on the curb.

so depressing.

in other news, my first film is up on vimeo. give it a looksie. leave a comment. i was really happy with how it turned out. the next one is going to be with my partner, Geoff-- it's a character study on a fat Jewish carpet salesman named Mordecai. I'm pumped.

in other, other news. someone please buy me this:

actually just the 15th book: Guide to Childcraft. I remember that was the only one i liked to read because it had all the gruesome pictures of the babies with cleft lip and rickets, and what sores meant what diseases and how to treat someone for electrical shock.  it worked out well, because while the other kids fought over the other books, i dove for the parent's guide. i dont think i ever even cracked the other ones. 

i'm going to see if i can just buy that one on ebay or something. 20th birthday hayyyyy?

subway songs

something about subway musicians just fascinates me, and i mean the real musicians-- not the homeless guy with the boombox who sits in the center of the Jackson underground tunnel, which stinks like urine (wonder why). 

in the Lake red line station, where i get off for work, there is an old chinese (?) woman (?) who plays this bizarre cello-eqsue instrument, it's more like a broomstick with one string on it that sings this sickly, off-key song (I looked it up and found that its a erhu). She plays the same song over and over, i only wish that i could figure out what it is. 

there's also a native american-looking woman in sunglasses who plays the guitar, violin, castanets, tap-dances, and whistles all at the same time, with a tin measuring cup tied to the head of her guitar begging for spare change. 

a threesome of old crooners harmonize to stevie wonder, and a hendrix lookalike jams on an acoustic guitar. a wanderer sings amazing grace a cappella. a drugged out man playing african drums dedicated all his songs to the Jonas Brothers, who, according to him, died in a tragic plane crash in south america. 

Once i saw a young guy playing some pop punk acoustic serenades in the Washington Blue Line station. as soon as he started playing, a crazy at the other end of the stop started howling unintelligibly. the boy stopped, and the howler would too. start again, and the howling started up. it was a competition, and i think the homeless scraggler won because the boy eventually gave up in frustration, whining to himself as pop-punks do. 

yesterday i saw the icing on the subway musician cake. a man holding a plush tiger, both in matching red sweaters, gold chains and sunglasses. his boombox was playing a karaoke song. The plush tiger was freestyle rapping to "Eye of the Tiger".  he was all "yo, imma tiger, gonna eatchu, hear me roar" it was probably the best thing i've ever seen occur in a subway. 

so don't even bother asking, corner homeless. my spare change is going to help keep music alive. 

*edit: found this youtube video of the tiger guy, but it's from two years ago when the tiger was just a baby. it's pretty big now. poor quality, but at least it's proof!

the thaw

i think it's finally the beginning of the end. 

the end of the long, seeming perpetual winter. 

It's a gorgeous day out, an unbelievable 60 degrees, and my windows are open and the venetian blinds are being sucked into them from the gusts of Chicago wind that bring words of change. 

So I'm working on a screenplay right now. About some troubled son coming home for a funeral and finding himself, blah blah blah. But i'm loving it, because i feel so productive. I'm sitting here type type typing away, feeling oh so legit with my screenwriting software that makes any stream of consciousness look professional. 

i feel like for the past few weeks i've been balancing on the edge of this cliff, or maybe a coffee table, wobbling back and forth but overcome with this feeling that something big is on the other side. the calm before the storm? possibly. I can't explain it. But i have been doing a lot of lucid dreaming, finding an hour before work to crash face down on the couch, hoping to conjure some bizarre choose-your-own-adventure. It's all been giving me these weird feelings, not weird bad but weird unknown. 

I think i need to blog more, let these things out. I have all these occurrences and stories i've been meaning to relay. 

i'll leave you one now, about his lucid dream i had a few days ago. Saturday, to be exact. It echos this feeling i've been having recently:

whatever I'm doing at the moment has to stop. All of a sudden i am overcome with an urgency to go outside. It's an apocalyptic panic, and i grab _______'s hand and pull her with me, searching for the nearest door. As soon as i get outside, the air hits me like concrete. It's difficult to breathe, the air is so thick it's like inhaling water. I look down at my hand, pawing through the atmosphere, watching the air part against my fingertips and the spaces between my fingers, like when you slowly press your hand on the surface of a swimming pool. I am still clenching her hand, making sure we don't get separated. The sky is so dark, like when it storms in the middle of the day and you lose your concept of time because its suddenly night at noon. We are on the beach, the sand is damp and caked, the water is dark and grey and troubling. We get to the surf, and i spy a whale! a giant, dark whale and i can see his skin perfectly, all the bumps and tightness, and so i let go of her hand and turn around to call her attention. But the second i turn to face her, the water starts pulling me in and it's the strongest undertow that i could ever imagine, and i cannot even begin to fight it. It pulls me away, leaving her on the shore.

I wake up, sprawled on my back on the couch with one leg up on the back of the couch and my arm over my head and the other dangling off the edge, and i think that my roommates must think i'm absolutely insane. 

any dream interpreters out there?

on a lighter note, this is a bit of wisdom i got from an vibrant old woman with a broken arm:

"when a bird falls and injures itself, it's best not to help it. The bird will use all of its remaining energy to heal itself slowly."

she tells me she refuses to go to physical therapy, but instead is fasting and has a newfound energy and sense of focus. 

and then she tapped my nose with a smile and was off.